Published Jan 13, 2020 by Bonnie Ontko, MA

10 Ways to Recognize Toxic People

Don’t Fall Into the Trap

Common sense tells us that toxic people inflict pain and trauma onto others, yet we still seem to get blind sighted. Consider the following scenario: You start your day feeling great, but when you arrive at work, you find yourself listening to your co-worker complaining about the inclement weather. You weren’t thinking about it before he/she brought it up, but you’re suddenly agreeing, and join in on the complaint-fest. You feel your mood shift, the negativity set in. Once again you say to yourself, “How did this happen? I was feeling fabulous just a minute ago.” Bingo. Gotcha! You fell for the bait once again, and got lured into their web. It happens to the best of us, no matter how skilled or intelligent you are.

Externally, the majority of our stress comes from other people. You’ve seen it before; at work, in your family, at church, or maybe even with friends. You get sucked in every time—during a call, an encounter, a text, a snide remark, or more famously; on social media. Unfortunately, it’s the nature of the beast, and is the hallmark of toxicity and dysfunction. It often seems to happen when you’re feeling your best, and in a great state of mind. Unfortunately, your happiness is what their radar zeroes in on, and can be detected instantly. The timing is uncanny. My mother could detect my happiness from 650 miles away every single time, without fail!

Toxic people are the self-serving narcissists, gossips, storytellers, back stabbers, Debbie Downers, and energy vampires who fit the bill nicely. They truly want you to be as miserable as they are, and will go to great lengths to accomplish that goal. They take everything you say or do personally, and out of context. They’ll use your actions and statements as weapons against you to torment you further. Toxic people can be stealthy, and there’s almost a dark quality attached to their intentions and behavior. Toxic people will stalk and study you carefully, and are quite methodical and calculating. Yet at the same time, they’ll exhibit the patience of a predator that waits for the perfect opportunity to strike at their prey. There’s an eerie feeling when you’re under their spell of victimization. After each encounter, you feel your energy, motivation and enthusiasm drain out of your body. Here’s how you can recognize toxic patterns ahead of time, before letting them drag you down the road of despair.

10 Warning Signs of Toxic People

1. Create Drama: These are the drama queens who love the thrill of getting your goat, and thrive on keeping the proverbial pot stirred. They despise harmony, and literally need to feed off negativity and conflict. If there’s none around, they’ll create it out of thin air, or make mountains out of molehills. They’ll overthink, analyze and escalate the tiniest thing way out of proportion, invent stories, adulterate the facts, tell lies, or twist things around to pick a fight. They’ll get the added bonus of critiquing your response, and feeding off of that too.
2. Jealous & Competitive:  Jealous people want what you have, and they look at only the end result of all your hard work.  Their steady stream of one-upsmanship and gamesmanship is all by design in order to maintain the upper hand, and level the playing field. Your success and their laziness will somehow be all your fault. It starts by bursting your bubble, and throwing a damper on your hopes and dreams. The stronger and more accomplished you become, their low self-esteem and jealousy turns into a rage that will fuel a fierce competition or all-out war. Since you’re a perceived threat, toxics will discredit, steamroll, sabotage, humiliate, point out your mistakes, or throw you off track to encourage failure.They have a boundless need to mimic your creativity, and steal your ideas, information, and your identity to stay on top. They’ll think nothing of imitating your style, clothes, language, goals, or your entire persona. They’ll put their spin on it, claim it as their own, and take all the accolades without giving you the slightest acknowledgement or credit. They’ll go so far as to brag while spitting back your ideas to you, showing off their stolen work, and expect your approval. It’s as though you have amnesia. Competitive people are also obsessed with hierarchy. They desperately need be the dominant one, or the boss in charge barking off orders, commands or requests. They scope out the hierarchy and go straight to the top to hang out with the perceived in-crowd.
3. Passive-aggressive: Toxic people have the ability to deliver their venom with a smile. They’ll deliver messages or display actions that are riddled with contradiction. These are the people who say they love you, but their actions state the opposite. You’ll receive a backhanded or insincere compliment that serves to masquerade an underlying hostility. The second a toxic person perceives you’ve figured them out, the jig is up. Exposure is their worst nightmare. They’ll either resort to more passive-aggressive putdowns, blast you on social media, or go in for the kill. They’ll leave you high and dry and move on to the next poor soul.
4. Manipulative: These are the egocentric narcissists that cajole, persuade, lie, and do just about anything to get what they want. They’re the needy and greedy users and abusers of the world who make you feel obligated or guilty, while behind the scenes are controlling and directing circumstances in their favor—all done without remorse, integrity or shame. They have no concept of boundaries, and are relentless in pursuing their goals. Manipulators take advantage of your kindness, sensitivity, helpfulness, or sympathy in order to meet their objectives, and you’ll be in their clutches before you know it. They’ll have you in stitches laughing, while simultaneously maneuvering and orchestrating your opinions, thoughts or actions. They’re unbearably immature and wounded people that will betray you in a heartbeat, and not look back.
5. Controlling & Persistence: Control is a big one and it comes as second nature for toxic people. They use it to maintain a false sense of power, but it’s a cover-up for their genuine lack of self-esteem. They can be overbearing and dominant, and if you disagree, you’ll either be forced into alignment, or cruelly silenced. You may even be shunned, and if so, they’ll stay silent until you make the first move, maintaining the upper hand all the while. Controllers like you and despise you at the same time. They’re endlessly nit-picky, as if nothing you do is ever good enough. They’ll constantly one-up you on everything, or throw you under the bus for the tiniest flaw while they gloat in their self- appointed supremacy.
6. Intimidating & Mean: You’ll know right from the start that this person has no filter, and will say whatever comes to mind, either to get attention, or maintain control. So if you’re a people pleaser, you’ll start by avoiding conflict, and letting things go. But should you ever contest, you’re in for a big fight. They get in their cheap shots or put downs every time, while simultaneously justifying it with, “Oh, I was just kidding.” They tease and needle you endlessly over long periods of time with the sole intent of hurting, or disrespecting you, yet say it’s just good fun. If you call them out, you’ll be hit with, “You just can’t take a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive,” or “What’s wrong with you?” It’s a bait and switch maneuver where you’re poked, prodded and provoked into an eventual reaction, and then bang—that’s your fault too. You’re now suddenly accused of being too emotional, sensitive or weak. Meanness gives toxic people power, and a false sense of respect, but it’s really their fear and intimidation routine.
7. Relish in Your Misfortune: The Germans have a word describing the pleasure that someone derives from someone’s misfortune called Schadenfreude. The closest English translation would be sadistic where laugh at your expense, get a cheap shot or put down in, and derive a perverse sense of satisfaction when you’re hurt, suffering, or when life delivers you a blow. They lack empathy and secretly hoping it happens again too, and if not, they’ll see that it does. Misery likes company. They’re adept at scanning your emotions to get a pulse reading, and the worse off you are, the bigger the psychological thrill. They enjoy projecting their unhappiness onto you and watching the result.
8. Entitled: Toxic people feel that life owes them something, and that their expectations should automatically be fulfilled without any effort from their own volition. These self-centered breed of toxics feel every happiness, boon or whim is deserved, and should simply fall into their laps. You must meet the expectation they have of you, even if it’s not who you really are. It’s their way or the highway. No compromise. They’ll be the first to wallow in self-pity if things don’t pan out as expected.
9. Two-faced or Phony: These are the ones that agree with you in person, but betray you behind your back. They’re maters at twisting things around, and accusing you of the hurtful behavior they’ve done to you. Somehow, you feel as though you deserve it. They say they have your best interests at heart, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. They’ll take advantage of your benevolence, but won’t reciprocate. They’re deceitful, jealous and judgmental, and horribly insecure. Their actions are designed to bolster their puny self-esteem, and diminish their self-loathing. These untrustworthy toxics will tell you they have your back, but it’s always after it’s been brutally stabbed.
10. Blame Game: Toxic people can’t take no for an answer, and won’t take any personal responsibility. When confronted, they’ll play the victim, demand sympathy, and make you feel guilty. They’ll distort reality, claim innocence, and make everything your fault. Then they gather their flying monkeys to gossip, spread rumors, and smear your reputation or ruin your career. They’ll hold a grudge forever, and enjoy making you making you grovel, but you’re better off not being in their good graces.

Toxicity runs the gamut from mildly bothersome, all the way to full-on psychological disorders. Recognizing these patterns up front will help you avoid potential pitfalls, manage a tough situation, or know when it’s time to move on. Unfortunately, the idea of giving people the benefit of the doubt has become an outdated model. Being nice is a wonderful quality to have, but not at the expense of your time, safety or sanity. The “Ignore it and it will go away,” strategy doesn’t work either as you will always pay the price. Being a people pleaser can be the perfect setup for being taken advantage of by the wrong people. Relying on wisdom may be a better strategy in the long run.

Start by learning to set boundaries: unplug, give some space, go grey rock, or in extreme cases, sever the relationship entirely, and walk away (a sticky situation with an employer or family member).  Setting boundaries can also be tricky, especially if you’re not in the habit of setting them (See blog article on boundaries). Toxic people won’t y let you off the hook so easily. Setting a boundary with a toxic person challenges their status, becomes a bone of contention, and an invitation to maintain the upper hand. They need to be the ones setting a boundary or dumping you in order to relieve their own pain, blame or lack of responsibility. It’s crazy-making in all its glory. If your situation becomes abusive (physical, sexual or emotional), don’t walk—run. But for your safety, you may need to seek professional advice.

Pick your battles, and don’t antagonize toxic people, as you’ll just encourage more of the same behavior, which could put you in harm’s way. You’ll never win at trying to outsmart a toxic person. Their skills of manipulation are sophisticated, well-honed, finely-tuned, and utilized with the precision of a well-oiled machine.

The world is full of good, honest, sweet people, and you’re probably one of them. You can’t change or rescue toxic people, unless you want to become codependent. You can however, change your own experience, and take charge of your life. Free yourself as soon as possible so you can attract healthier people into your sphere. Stay strong; you’re not alone. You are a precious being who deserves Peace & Positivity!

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